Dads in the Limelight ( #limelightdads ) – Tom Frye

Our 202nd Dad in the Limelight is Tom Frye of the Frye Family Band. I want to thank Tom for being a part of this series. It has been great getting connected with him and now sharing him with all of you.

I am a singer/songwriter, and also do some speaking. I live in a small town in Indiana, with my family and in addition to music, I enjoy gardening.

My wife Lisa and I met while in college at Ball State University, we’ve been married for 18 years and have three great kids, Kaylyn 17, Maggie 16 and Jonathon 14.  My children are also my bandmates, which is a total blast! Kaylyn sings and plays bass, Maggie sings and plays keys and Jonathon drums  and also does a little singing.  We also homeschool the kids, which allows us to be able to travel as a  family for concerts and events.  Additionally our family enjoys theatre, we have all been on the stage at one time or another, but the kids have all enjoyed being in several productions, with leading rolls in shows including Annie, Mame, The Sound of Music, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown and Suesical the Musical, to name a few.

The greatest challenge for me has been simply learning to how to be a good dad.  Both my wife and I were raised in broken homes. My wife’s parents divorced when she was 1 year old and though my parents never divorced, the threat of it constantly loomed over our home, which provided for a life of instability and fear.  I knew a lot about what I didn’t want to do as a dad, but not a whole lot about how to do what I thought was right.  I certainly am not a perfect dad, but I think four things have contributed to giving my children a home of love and stability.

1) Modeling commitment in marriage. Let’s face it, life is hard and even the best marriages have struggles, but being committed is huge thing for our kids to see and feel.

2) Learning to have honest communication.  This has been a struggle at times, especially since it was not modeled to us in our childhood. But honesty is essential to healthy relationships.

3) Having a mentor has also helped me.  Without parents as guides, we have seen great value in finding a family that we respect to give us honest answers to sometimes difficult questions. 4) Our faith is very important to us and we’ve found that even beyond the spiritual dynamics, the Bible is full of a lot of practical advice about relationship both inside and outside of the family.

4) What advice would you give to other fathers? 

I have found that our kids don’t expect me to be a perfect dad, but what they need is a relationship, which takes time.  I take time to allow my kids to work along side me, but I also play with them.  I try to practice honesty and communication and let them know I love them both through word and deed.

Being raised by a dad who was a workaholic this has been tough for me, but years ago when I was selling newspaper ads someone gave me some great advice.  They said: Tom, you can always make one more call, so you have to know when you’ve done your job and then go home to your family.  That advice has served me well and often over the years. But the great thing about playing music with my family is that my passion doesn’t take me away from them. Many of my friends hit the road only to have the internal conflict of leaving their family.  But my kids almost always go with me, which certainly helps to bring some balance to our lives.

Make sure your kids know that you will always love and support them, no matter what. Another one is to not parent for the moment, what I mean by that is address issues as they happen. Just because it’s easier to bribe your child into a right action or give into them to avoid a meltdown, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do, and ignoring or rewarding bad behavior in children will most likely lead to bigger problems in the future. Also, give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible and don’t stop dating your wife. Even though the last point seems like it’s about you and your wife, it’s important for our kids to see us making our spouse a priority and in the long run affords them more stability.

We have learned to encourage friendship among the children.  So often we hear people say things like, “oh, they are siblings, of course they fight,” and early on, we might have accepted that as truth and made parenting decisions that fostered sibling rivalry.  So we have learned to examine our actions and motives, recognize our children’s God-given talents and interests and help foster them.  This will help each child feel fulfilled and less likely that they will resent or be jealous of their siblings.  And this leads to an attitude of support and encouragement between them, which is a wonderful thing to witness.

Over the years my wife and I have used the word “deliberate” a lot in our parenting practices, but I think it is something that has served us well over the years.

What have been the most memorable experiences that you have had thus far as a parent?

Wow, I’m not sure where to start, I’ve enjoyed every stage, but a few things that stand out. Performing and recording with my children and seeing them grow as artists.  Taking my son to his first Colts game a few years ago, we were able to get a few autographs after the game and as we were walking to the car he put his arm over my shoulder and said, “Dad, this has been the best day of my life,” it doesn’t get much better than that.  Also, recently I had a talk with my daughter about dating, a conversation up until that point I was not looking forward to, but we talked a lot about the pitfalls of teenage drama, honesty in relationships, and considering the feelings of others.. I was blown away at how responsible and mature my daughter has become.

If you have any questions for Tom, please leave a comment here and I will make sure that he gets them so that he may be able to respond!

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